


Undercover Boss: Fort Briggs

by Nice_Valkyrie, That Hoopy Frood (That_Hoopy_Frood)



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Fort Briggs, Humor, SNL parody, Screenplay/Script Format, this is by far the silliest thing either of us have ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-28 22:33:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15059246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nice_Valkyrie/pseuds/Nice_Valkyrie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_Hoopy_Frood/pseuds/That%20Hoopy%20Frood
Summary: Where Hoopy drinks too much Prosecco and has a terrible idea and Nice_Valkyrie enables...Each week, we follow the boss (loosely-defined) of a major organization as they go undercover to find out what's really going on in their company. This is UNDERCOVER BOSS: FORT BRIGGS.Our sincerest apologies toAdam Driverand the cast of Saturday Night Live.





	Undercover Boss: Fort Briggs

**Author's Note:**

> It might be prudent to rewatch SNL's Undercover Boss: Starkiller Base

THE NARRATOR (who sounds vaguely like CAPTAIN BUCCANEER) (V.O.)  
Each week, we follow the boss of a major organization as they go undercover to find out what's really going on in their company. This is UNDERCOVER BOSS: FORT BRIGGS.

_Pulling back –– looking at the sunrise through a row of windows in a solid stone wall. Beyond the structure, mountains covered in a rug of pine trees, their bare tops scarfed with snow. From carved rocky outcrops, waterfalls drift in skeins of white, the occasional mirror-like flash of a mountain lake... zoom to FORT BRIGGS and, standing on its parapet, sleazy, unpleasant-looking man in an all-white three-piece suit with a matching fedora and purple tie..._

THE NARRATOR (cont’d) (V.O.)  
SOLF J. KIMBLEE is the CRIMSON LOTUS ALCHEMIST and special agent working under the direct orders of FÜHRER KING BRADLEY. Due to conspiratorial acts at the highest level, Kimblee is officially exonerated of his crimes so as to serve as the Führer's hidden left hand in the secret battles to come. THIS WEEK, KIMBLEE is going undercover among Fort Briggs personnel as ROLF, a RADIO TECHNICIAN.

_Cut to INTERVIEW and REFLECTION ROOM_

KIMBLEE  
You get so caught up in observing the "survival of the fittest" and trying to gauge which side, human or Homunculi, will triumph... that you miss what's going on behind the scenes. I'm looking forward to having some  _real talk_ with some  _real folks_.

_CUT to FORT BRIGGS CAFETERIA –– uninspired steel-gray walls with melamine tables; on metal trays, the vegetables are mushy, the meat is chewy._

THE NARRATOR (V.O.)  
We've put hidden cameras in an employee common area, and no one has any idea that ROLF is actually their military-sanctioned observer, SOLF J. KIMBLEE

_DOOR OPENS –– in walks SOLF, now ROLF, looking uncomfortable in formless brown overalls, with ROLF on nametag, gloves on hands to hide transmutation arrays, dark hair swept up under a bald cap. Looks less like an insect and more like a vole._

KIMBLEE / ROLF _(voice stilted and stiff)  
_ Hi. I'm Rolf. I'm a radio technician.

_Smattering of bemused hellos in cafeteria; a lot of awkward staring –– CUT to TABLE 37, where sits SCAR, an Ishvalan survivor of the Ishvalan Civil War, with a large X-shaped scar on forehead and an intricate alchemical tattoo on right arm, EDWARD ELRIC, a veritable shrimp of a boy with an automail arm and leg and tacky fashion sense, and MAJOR MILES, Major General OLIVIER MIRA ARMSTRONG'S personal adjutant._

KIMBLEE / ROLF  
So... you guys like working here?

MILES  _(shrugging)  
_ Well, you know... work is work.

KIMBLEE / ROLF  
Yeah, totally. Especially when it puts your soul at risk.

_MILES and SCAR unimpressed. EDWARD choking on glass of orange juice._

KIMBLEE / ROLF  
What do you guys think of Solf J. Kimblee? Do you guys believe him when he says he's gonna paint this land red with his shard of destruction?

_MILES and SCAR exchange a glance. EDWARD still struggling with that juice._

SCAR  
What shard of destruction?

EDWARD  _(red in face from choking)  
_ Ya know, I will say this for Kimblee... I think he gets a bad rap. He's trying to accomplish something that's never been done in the history of Amestris.

_EDWARD clearly being facetious. KIMBLEE clearly not catching on._

EDWARD  
Ya know... BLOW UP  _EVERYTHING_ _?!_ It's impressive, I admire the guy.

KIMBLEE / ROLF  
Yes, exactly.  _(Raising voice)_ EXACTLY.

_CUT to FORT BRIGGS ENGINEERING SECTION. Hallway barren, smooth, walls gunmetal gray in the lack of light, with sharp corners and low ceilings. Complicated machinery spilling from roundels in the wall. Bakelite telegraphs and radios on cabinets lining the corridor. ZOOM to ROLF / KIMBLEE crouched on floor, holding an (unplugged) soldering iron by the tip. Above him stands MAJOR GENERAL OLIVIER MIRA ARMSTRONG, terrifying blonde woman and commanding officer of FORT BRIGGS. The two are attempting maintenance work of some variety._

OLIVIER  
It's very simple... all you have to do is sleeve every wire with heatshrink tubing by unsoldering one end.

 KIMBLEE / ROLF  
Sleeve  _(glances at sleeve of shirt for a moment)_ this?  _(removes what is clearly a battery)_

OLIVIER  
Does that look like a rubber-insulated wire to you?! What's wrong with you... why is it so hard for you to understand?! Any solider thick enough to not be able to differentiate intermediate frequency from radio frequency is one I don’t need dragging down the rest of my battalion!

 KIMBLEE / ROLF  
I don't know but can you please stop yelling at me, it's starting to  _stress me out_.

_CUT to INTERVIEW and REFLECTION ROOM_

 KIMBLEE / ROLF  
I have a newfound respect for what these insects do.

_CUT back to ENGINEERING SECTION_

OLIVIER  
Very well, can we rewire it please? So I can go have my muffin. I haven't had my muffin yet,  _ROLF_.

_CUT to INTERVIEW and REFLECTION ROOM_

 KIMBLEE / ROLF  
It's not as easy as I presumed.

_CUT back to ENGINEERING SECTION; massive soldier with significant build, unique Mohawk-and-braid hairstyle, and signature automail right arm walks through the hallway. This is CAPTAIN BUCCANEER._

Buccaneer  
What up, Rolf.  _(kicks Kimblee's tools away)_

 KIMBLEE / ROLF  
Hey, you kicked my wrench!.................................... Jerk face.

_CUT to FORT BRIGGS CAFETERIA; KIMBLEE standing behind SCAR and EDWARD_

 KIMBLEE / ROLF  
Hey have you guys seen Solf J. Kimblee's Philosopher Stone?

EDWARD  
Yeah man, that thing is weird looking

 KIMBLEE / ROLF  
No it's not, it's awesome. Here lemme go see if I can find it, I'll show it to you.

_KIMBLEE walks off, exits room. A beat. The sound of dry heaving. KIMBLEE reenters room two seconds later holding RED STONE... covered in spit._

 KIMBLEE / ROLF  
Oh look I found Solf J. Kimblee's Philosopher's Stone. Look at it up close.  _(shoves sharp and jagged RED STONE into SCAR and EDWARD'S face)_

EDWARD  
Dude, that thing looks dangerous, man. And poorly made... like a little Homunculus made it.

 KIMBLEE / ROLF  
Then you don't have to look at it any more!  _(swallows STONE in one huge gulp)_

__CUT to INTERVIEW and REFLECTION ROOM_ _

SCAR  
I'm 90 percent sure Rolf is Solf J. Kimblee.

_CUT to FORT BRIGGS READY ROOM; small and square space, with two plastic chairs, a table, and an empty water dispenser. The window is cracked, letting in cold air._

SCAR  
Yeah this is, uh... actually been a rough year for my family. I lost my brother back in April, and, uh... I'm getting by...

KIMBLEE / ROLF  _(robotically)  
_ Ah... yes... sorry about that. Must be hard.

__CUT to INTERVIEW and REFLECTION ROOM_ _

KIMBLEE / ROLF  
Hearing that Scar lost his brother really struck a nerve with me.................................... especially since I'm the one who killed him.

_CUT back to READY ROOM; KIMBLEE / ROLF approaches SCAR_

KIMBLEE / ROLF  
Hey, I ran into Kimblee terrorizing a small village. He told me to give you this...

_Hands SCAR a small condolences card; SCAR is pretty sure it is a manila envelope folded in half; the jagged red crayon-writing looks a bit morbid._

SCAR  _(reading aloud)  
_ "Keep your head up, Buttercup... or you'll have a double chin in the animated adaptation. Sorry about your Brother... S.J.K."

_CUT to BASCHOOL, abandoned mining town in the northern area of Amestris, east of FORT BRIGGS; nothing in the town but echoes and stagnation. No life, no movement of air, no warmth. EDWARD, MILES, and KIMBLEE stand above mine shaft._

KIMBLEE / ROLF  
A buddy of mine saw Solf J. Kimblee take his shirt off in the shower. And he said Solf J. Kimblee had an eight pack. That Solf J. Kimblee was shredded.

EDWARD  
Whaaat?! Your friend's a liar, man, Solf J. Kimblee is a punk bitch. That guy looks like he weighs 30 pounds soaking wet underneath that little white dress.

_Corner of KIMBLEE'S eye twitches. He removes his gloves._

KIMBLEE / ROLF  
I see it in your mind... your intent not to kill. It... is...  _stupid!_

_KIMBLEE claps his hands, creating_ _an explosion which collapses the mine. Pillar of fiery smoke and dust and steam from superheated snow boils up from far underground; EDWARD disappears into the hole._

_CUT to ABANDONED MINE SHAFT; dirt_ _walls below the ridge curve smoothly to the floor, the walls above arch another hundred feet up to giant stalactites and bat roosts; destroyed mining equipment and debris are scattered on the floor. PAN over destruction... ZOOM on flash of red in the gloom; speared on length of corrugated pipe is EDWARD._

EDWARD  
Dude... Rolf straight-up  _sucks_.

_CUT to FORT BRIGGS CAFETERIA ––_ room filled with a cacophony of loud chatter, each table a cosseted huddle of soldiers.

KIMBLEE / ROLF  
I have a bomb  _(heh heh)_ shell announcement to make, guys. I am not Rolf, I'm––

MILES  
You're Solf J. Kimblee.

SCAR  
You're Solf J. Kimblee.

OLIVIER  
You're Solf J. Kimblee.

EDWARD  _(dripping blood)  
_ You're Solf J. Kimblee. I knew it from the moment you threw me down a mine shaft.

SCAR  
I knew it from "Hi, I'm Rolf."

__CUT to INTERVIEW and REFLECTION ROOM_ _

KIMBLEE  
I had a blast today.  _(a beat)_. I really learned a lot. And people are gonna love the new me.

_Dons new white hat. Steps to side of camera, revealing pile of Drachman corpses... and Edward impaled on a piece of pipe._

_Kimblee EXEUNT._


End file.
